The first stage is having an epiphany about what exactly you have been dealing with. Narcissism is that label we've been searching for when we take so much bullshit that we finally start saying to ourselves, "maybe it's not me!" We've been conditioned, brainwashed even, to take on their guilt and shame, which we do all too automatically. Then we discover the truth- we are the normal people, we have empathy for others, we don't want to hurt others, we want others to reciprocate out of the same sense of being part of something bigger than ourselves, the human race.
The second stage is profound hurt. It's a hard thing to wrap one's head around that the people we love and gave everything we could to do not reciprocate. It's overwhelming and we try to delude ourselves by rationalizing their behavior even more, or searching in them for some good; any evidence that they cannot be as bad as they appear to be. Yes they seem to have moments of generosity but when you look very closely, you find that everything they do is driven by self serving reasons. Even love for one's own child is conditional, it's not real love.
Then we hit the next stage- anger. It's impossible not to feel a certain amount of ill will towards people who are supposed to be our family, our friends. I mean if you can't trust your own family to love you and have your back, then who can you trust? We are conditioned to be too trusting, too vulnerable. Then when we learn about narcissism we find that that we have entrusted our very selves to people that possess not a shred of decency or integrity. So our world is shattered. We can never go back to thinking everyone we meet has empathy. Narcissists are everywhere and we begin to see them in all their glory, whilst knowing so many people around us don't get it. They're under the narcissist's spell. Then you feel anger towards yourself for being so gullible and naive. We can't communicate what we know to these people because people only believe what they want to believe. We were once them until the day the narcissist's mask slipped and we learned what they are really made of. It's all so frustrating and infuriating at the same time.
The next stage is indifference. Once we have worked through most of the negative feelings we have about them, we simply stop caring. This is when it starts to get much better. We realize how life is short and we take stock of what's really important in our own lives. We appreciate life in a way we never allowed ourselves to do before. We realize how narcissists are wasting their lives playing games with everyone instead of being authentic and we strive to be honest to ourselves and others. We learn to have a healthier balance emotionally by protecting ourselves with boundaries and being assertive when we need to be.
The last stage is forgiveness and pity for the narcissist. By forgiveness I simply mean that we have fully accepted the fact that we cannot change them, only our own behavior, so we are able to release any expectations we may have for them and move on without any ill will toward them. We can honor them and ourselves by leaving them to their own devices and not offering ourselves up for their narcissistic supply. As for pity for the narcissist, it is all that is left once we finally realize what they are missing out on- a life of having deep connections with other human beings, appreciating each other, cherishing the life we have and the world we live in.
Probably THE best post I've ever read on this subject! It so perfectly reflects my journey it made me weep!
ReplyDeleteI now pity my Nparents (aged 88 & 91) as they struggle with the miserable, lonely existence they have chosen for themselves. I'm no longer foolish enough to try to intervene because past experience has shown me this would be met with hostility and resentment.
As for forgiveness, not until I see remorse and an end to the emotional abuse.
This is very true. I'm caught between hurt and anger right now, with occassional moments of indifference thrown in. I will say I'm finding myself angry more often than hurt, and more indifferent than ever before - hopefully that means I'm making progress!
ReplyDelete~CC, http://theroadtomejournal.blogspot.com
Mulderfan- thanks for your comment. It's not a pretty sight, the aging narcissist, is it? My father was one, up until the very end. I understand what you mean about forgiveness and I, too cannot forgive (in the traditional sense)the multitude of transgressions he made against me, my mother or my brother(I'll write about those one day). What I really meant about forgiveness is that it is healing for victims to reach a point where they can truly accept the narcissist(s) in their lives for what they are. It requires letting go of any hope for positive change in the relationship and mourning the loss of what can never be. This type of forgiveness is for ourselves, to be able to move on without guilt or shame. What I forgive in my father is that he is a narcissist at all; I can have empathy for the child that was so wounded emotionally that his way of coping with life was to remain a child emotionally. Yes, it is the easy way out, the wrong choice, but it only proves how weak a person he was. I could have continued the pattern, but I am much stronger than he could ever be. I reached the "age of reason" and like most of us saw reality as a better choice than living in a fantasy world. It is the brave thing to do, and I forgive him for not being that strong.
ReplyDeleteCC- You are definitely making progress! Our feelings are not something we can control, only our reactions to them can be. When I remember something that makes me hurt or angry I have a moment of self pity for the injustice of it all, but then I force myself to see the lesson it has provided me. I still can't believe it took me forty years to "see the light" about narcissism, but I am thankful for it because I can trust my own instincts for the first time in my life and know that when I am faced with another narcissist in my life I have the knowledge I need to get through unscathed. Knowledge is power!
I'd give anything to get to stage three at this point but continue to ping-pong between one and two. Great post, Dee - thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteDee,
ReplyDeleteThis post is a keeper! I bounce between 1-2-3 and back again, not yet to indifference. It's great to know that with time and work, I can get to that point.
I still have so much unlived anger from my past - things I stuffed down that haven't made my way through it. I still need to feel and experience it - which is more challenging than I ever expected.
Thanks for a wonderful post.
upsi
Upsi said, "I still have so much unlived anger from my past - things I stuffed down that haven't made my way through it. I still need to feel and experience it - which is more challenging than I ever expected."
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean Upsi, I still get triggered whenever I have to be around narcissistic or shallow people and feel the anger and injustice. I just try to keep telling myself, "Look at the knowledge I've gained and now I can use it to protect myself." I've always been a people pleaser to my detriment, but now I have become more assertive and my outlook on life is much more peaceful.
I've even given up a loosely held faith in god, recently, but it is really working for me, I feel amazingly free. I would never recommend it to anyone because I respect people of faith and the good it does so many people. It just had no real purpose in my life anymore, if anything, it added to my guilt about my feelings towards my father and besides that, I've always been on the side of critical thinking as opposed to the concept of blind faith anyway.
Thanks for listening, I really enjoy your blog!
Something you said in the JADE post about crazymaking behaviour comes to me here. I have reached the stage of indifference to my family narcissists, but come to a stranger, and one who can really affect your life, like a real estate agent we came across recently who simply refused to do anything according to the book, and was going to make our lives difficult every step of the way, and I turn into a first class lunatic, DESPITE the fact that I know about JADE intellectually.
ReplyDeleteI was so angry with the N tactics of this woman that I lost all control and practically screamed at her. Then she turns to my husband, who was so dazed he was just standing there, and tell him that she would rather deal with him because he was being 'polite and respectful'.
There is a lot more to this story, but I will say that any new narcissism can still bring out the anger and frustration. When you have spent a lifetime being abused and bullied by your own mother and sisters, you have the core instincts of a cornered animal fighting for its life.
It will take a miracle to make that disappear I am afraid.
I know what you mean about the anger and frustration when we encounter new narcissists- it's very difficult to tolerate once we know what we know about them. But this intolerance for their BS is part of our recovery. It shows that we have grown stronger when we don't let them roll roughshod all over us.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are right about our instincts- the "fight or flight response", as it is called. It's a mechanism our brains use for self-preservation, and that is what is on the line. While it's always better to flee from a narcissist, it's not always possible and we have to take a stand.
I do think that we have been conditioned to ignore our instincts and the only way to truly heal is to break that conditioning and listen to our instincts and what our bodies are trying to tell us. It is evident in the sick feelings and extreme anxiousness we feel when we have to deal with a narcissist.
I lived with an extremely narcissistic person (my ex-wife) for seven years, So everything you've said about narcissistic personality resonates with my own experience living with one. Great article, Dee.
ReplyDeleteageing narcissists ... In the words of Rex from Toy Story, "now I gave guilt"...
ReplyDeleteAll my life they both (started &) fed a fear that trivial stuff I'd do might be the reason one or other would die. I carry that irrational fear now, & only made the connection reading all of the above over the last months!
Now I look at whether I include them (my NF only, as I'm done with NM) the latest is a baptism, & think NF will either try to coerce me to invite NM, with the expectation that she'll play up. I know I would regret not inviting him. If he says no to punish me, that's fine.
I have a procedure in the oncology dept just after my birthday. He knows, but I told him not to tell her, coz, all she'll do is gossip about it, not contact me (you know how it goes) as a teen I had a dental procedure in hosp. Neither called me, NF thought it was enough to call anaesthetist to check I wad alive. Other mum's were with their teens, _ kept checking on me, caring. As a mum now I find it unbelievable, yet as Ns it is a non caring habit of a lifetime.