If you’re new to the land of narcissism, then I must share this acronym with you. I cannot take credit for it but it is brilliant. I came across it on several blogs / forums, so if you know to whom it can be attributed to, please let me know! It stands for justify, argue, defend and explain. These are the things you need to avoid doing when confronted with a narcissist!
Narcissists consider their interactions with others as a game; a game they will likely win if you play along. One of the key elements in their communication technique is to keep others on the defensive. They do this by gleaning information from us and storing it for future use. Even the most seemingly benign information can and will be used against you.
They know just how to present something in a way that makes us feel like we have to justify or explain our position. The conversation will escalate into an argument after they push all the right buttons. If they are really good, you will explode in anger and look like the crazy one. This is called crazy-making and it is most effective when they have an audience.
Arguing with a narcissist is an exercise in futility and should be avoided at all costs. We have every right to keep our thoughts and feelings private. It takes a certain amount of trust to divulge these things to anyone and if they haven’t earned that trust, then they don’t deserve disclosure.
It is crucial not to get too deep with a narcissist. stay in the shallows where it is safer! Don't JADE!
Any response to a narcissist just feeds their immense ego so the best response is no response at all (...drives them nuts! People who see this as passive aggressive and suggest assertiveness have not walked in our shoes. When I have tried a reasonable, assertive approach it has just been met with scorn.
ReplyDeleteFrom the blog Narcissists Suck(http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/):"Do not waste your time appealing to their "conscience" or their logic centers. Those are armor-plated. Do not make the mistake that the narcissist thinks like you do. They do not feel like you do either. They do not interact with the world and their relationships in any way like you do.
Disordered characters are the sum total of their disordered thinking. You have no power to change their thinking. Don't set yourself up for failure by continuing to try to reason and cajole them into a new way of thinking. It ain't gonna work. They'll just be better able to intuit how to parrot back to you what you want to hear so they can bamboozle you yet again."
Mnemonic devices are a great study tool that I use all the time. Unfortunately, I work for a company that basically boils everything down to an acronyms so this style of mnemonic device is useless at this point.
ReplyDeleteBut you're absolutely right in that it's best to avoide these types of situations so that it doesn't bite you in the ass later on - which is most certainly will. I did read about this somewhere but I'm unsure of the actual original source. Thanks for reminding me of it!
"They do this by gleaning information from us and storing it for future use. Even the most seemingly benign information can and will be used against you."
ReplyDeleteSo true. You think you're building intimacy - they see ammo for the future. It's sick.
Great post.
Hey Dee, just read your comment on my OMM blog and wanted to come by and say thanks. I don't mind the advice one little bit :) I'm new to the narcissist world and I'm a sensitive person and will need all the help, advice and support I can get my hands on to deal with my mother in law :)
ReplyDeleteSO thanks. Will be adding you to my list of blogs to keep tabs on.
you know how many times i went thu this with my mother?? hooooly craaaap! i keeep jading and jading.. until i started thinking i was the crazy one. of course thats what she told me..
ReplyDeletei would expose even the most private truths about my relationship and try to see if there was empathy for me there, only for it to be used against me and my long time partner later on..
NC is where i am at after this last holiday season.
This makes perfect sense to me now! JADE'ing was driving me literally crazy. It drained me of all my energy, which lead to NC, a blessed thing.
ReplyDeleteDuring the fall-out my Nsis brought out the my most painful hurts and used them as her weapons of destruction. I was blindsided because at the beginning I was in denail about her narcissism. Her words were a knife to my heart and it killed any loving and caring feelings I will ever have for her. I mourn the loss of a sister but I do not mourn the loss of her wickidness and who she turned out to be.
Christa, my GC younger brother had a way of saying the most hurtful things. Why? Because he knew me so well! He knew me and used that knowledge as a weapon against me and like you I realized he was part of the narc team that is my FOO. We're NC now and I don't miss him at all.
ReplyDeleteOh thank you thank you thank you thank you!
ReplyDeleteI've seen this term once and figured I'd look into it later, but it's hard to find certain definitions to acronyms that are used in such tight little circles.
Good lord, I live this pattern to this very day since I'm *living* with my NM. I posted about it recently and am in a constant struggle to just keep my mouth shut when she fishes for an argument. I'm realizing now that by engaging (JADE) I'm simply feeding her the supply she needs.
The buck stops here.