If you’re new to the land of narcissism, then I must share this acronym with you. I cannot take credit for it but it is brilliant. I came across it on several blogs / forums, so if you know to whom it can be attributed to, please let me know! It stands for justify, argue, defend and explain. These are the things you need to avoid doing when confronted with a narcissist!
Narcissists consider their interactions with others as a game; a game they will likely win if you play along. One of the key elements in their communication technique is to keep others on the defensive. They do this by gleaning information from us and storing it for future use. Even the most seemingly benign information can and will be used against you.
They know just how to present something in a way that makes us feel like we have to justify or explain our position. The conversation will escalate into an argument after they push all the right buttons. If they are really good, you will explode in anger and look like the crazy one. This is called crazy-making and it is most effective when they have an audience.
Arguing with a narcissist is an exercise in futility and should be avoided at all costs. We have every right to keep our thoughts and feelings private. It takes a certain amount of trust to divulge these things to anyone and if they haven’t earned that trust, then they don’t deserve disclosure.
It is crucial not to get too deep with a narcissist. stay in the shallows where it is safer! Don't JADE!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Stages In Recovery
The first stage is having an epiphany about what exactly you have been dealing with. Narcissism is that label we've been searching for when we take so much bullshit that we finally start saying to ourselves, "maybe it's not me!" We've been conditioned, brainwashed even, to take on their guilt and shame, which we do all too automatically. Then we discover the truth- we are the normal people, we have empathy for others, we don't want to hurt others, we want others to reciprocate out of the same sense of being part of something bigger than ourselves, the human race.
The second stage is profound hurt. It's a hard thing to wrap one's head around that the people we love and gave everything we could to do not reciprocate. It's overwhelming and we try to delude ourselves by rationalizing their behavior even more, or searching in them for some good; any evidence that they cannot be as bad as they appear to be. Yes they seem to have moments of generosity but when you look very closely, you find that everything they do is driven by self serving reasons. Even love for one's own child is conditional, it's not real love.
Then we hit the next stage- anger. It's impossible not to feel a certain amount of ill will towards people who are supposed to be our family, our friends. I mean if you can't trust your own family to love you and have your back, then who can you trust? We are conditioned to be too trusting, too vulnerable. Then when we learn about narcissism we find that that we have entrusted our very selves to people that possess not a shred of decency or integrity. So our world is shattered. We can never go back to thinking everyone we meet has empathy. Narcissists are everywhere and we begin to see them in all their glory, whilst knowing so many people around us don't get it. They're under the narcissist's spell. Then you feel anger towards yourself for being so gullible and naive. We can't communicate what we know to these people because people only believe what they want to believe. We were once them until the day the narcissist's mask slipped and we learned what they are really made of. It's all so frustrating and infuriating at the same time.
The next stage is indifference. Once we have worked through most of the negative feelings we have about them, we simply stop caring. This is when it starts to get much better. We realize how life is short and we take stock of what's really important in our own lives. We appreciate life in a way we never allowed ourselves to do before. We realize how narcissists are wasting their lives playing games with everyone instead of being authentic and we strive to be honest to ourselves and others. We learn to have a healthier balance emotionally by protecting ourselves with boundaries and being assertive when we need to be.
The last stage is forgiveness and pity for the narcissist. By forgiveness I simply mean that we have fully accepted the fact that we cannot change them, only our own behavior, so we are able to release any expectations we may have for them and move on without any ill will toward them. We can honor them and ourselves by leaving them to their own devices and not offering ourselves up for their narcissistic supply. As for pity for the narcissist, it is all that is left once we finally realize what they are missing out on- a life of having deep connections with other human beings, appreciating each other, cherishing the life we have and the world we live in.
The second stage is profound hurt. It's a hard thing to wrap one's head around that the people we love and gave everything we could to do not reciprocate. It's overwhelming and we try to delude ourselves by rationalizing their behavior even more, or searching in them for some good; any evidence that they cannot be as bad as they appear to be. Yes they seem to have moments of generosity but when you look very closely, you find that everything they do is driven by self serving reasons. Even love for one's own child is conditional, it's not real love.
Then we hit the next stage- anger. It's impossible not to feel a certain amount of ill will towards people who are supposed to be our family, our friends. I mean if you can't trust your own family to love you and have your back, then who can you trust? We are conditioned to be too trusting, too vulnerable. Then when we learn about narcissism we find that that we have entrusted our very selves to people that possess not a shred of decency or integrity. So our world is shattered. We can never go back to thinking everyone we meet has empathy. Narcissists are everywhere and we begin to see them in all their glory, whilst knowing so many people around us don't get it. They're under the narcissist's spell. Then you feel anger towards yourself for being so gullible and naive. We can't communicate what we know to these people because people only believe what they want to believe. We were once them until the day the narcissist's mask slipped and we learned what they are really made of. It's all so frustrating and infuriating at the same time.
The next stage is indifference. Once we have worked through most of the negative feelings we have about them, we simply stop caring. This is when it starts to get much better. We realize how life is short and we take stock of what's really important in our own lives. We appreciate life in a way we never allowed ourselves to do before. We realize how narcissists are wasting their lives playing games with everyone instead of being authentic and we strive to be honest to ourselves and others. We learn to have a healthier balance emotionally by protecting ourselves with boundaries and being assertive when we need to be.
The last stage is forgiveness and pity for the narcissist. By forgiveness I simply mean that we have fully accepted the fact that we cannot change them, only our own behavior, so we are able to release any expectations we may have for them and move on without any ill will toward them. We can honor them and ourselves by leaving them to their own devices and not offering ourselves up for their narcissistic supply. As for pity for the narcissist, it is all that is left once we finally realize what they are missing out on- a life of having deep connections with other human beings, appreciating each other, cherishing the life we have and the world we live in.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Trust
That's what is missing in our relationships with narcissists, isn't it? We can't trust them with our thoughts or opinions (God forbid we have our own!), our feelings, our aspirations or anything else, even when it's our own parent. How sad is that?
The reason I think is simple, narcissists trust no one, therefore they don't know what it is like to trust someone. This results in them having a very different perspective on life. To most of us life is precious because of the meaningful connections we make with others. This is because we have empathy and compassion for each other, whereas narcissists do not. Narcissists see life as a game to be won at all costs, people are nothing more than a means to some self-serving end. They must always come out on top in every encounter.
This is what makes them so dangerous when we give them our trust.
The reason I think is simple, narcissists trust no one, therefore they don't know what it is like to trust someone. This results in them having a very different perspective on life. To most of us life is precious because of the meaningful connections we make with others. This is because we have empathy and compassion for each other, whereas narcissists do not. Narcissists see life as a game to be won at all costs, people are nothing more than a means to some self-serving end. They must always come out on top in every encounter.
This is what makes them so dangerous when we give them our trust.
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