I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted! I recently returned to school so that has been keeping me pretty busy and I've also been desperately looking for work since I lost my job back in July (the man I had been a caregiver to passed away). I've never had such a hard time finding a job and it's a reflection on this horrible economy.
Anyway, I really miss posting and hopefully I will have more time for it in the near future during the semester break. I have so much I'd like to discuss with my fellow bloggers. I have been reading your blogs even though I haven't made the time to post myself.
I would like to wish my online friends a very joyful and peaceful Thanksgiving! Even though things are economically bad for me and my family right now, I am very thankful to my friends and extended family for being a part of my life and the unwavering support they have given me. I am also thankful for the small things in life like my furry little family members that give me unconditional love. I am most thankful to my husband (we've been together for thirty one years now) and my two beautiful kids who I love beyond words.
I hope that those of you who still have an N in their lives can find peace within yourselves, you so deserve it!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
World Class Narcissist
Here's a perfect example of a malignant narcissist. Here is the link to the news story:
http://www.startribune.com/local/north/111972394.html?elr=KArksc8P:Pc:UthPacyPE7iUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUoD3aPc:_27EQU
Here is the link to the actual sentencing recommendations by the prosecutor's office:
http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/threatlevel/2010/06/Ardolf-INDICTMENT.pdf
http://www.startribune.com/local/north/111972394.html?elr=KArksc8P:Pc:UthPacyPE7iUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUoD3aPc:_27EQU
Here is the link to the actual sentencing recommendations by the prosecutor's office:
http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/threatlevel/2010/06/Ardolf-INDICTMENT.pdf
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The Epiphany
I'll never forget the moment I had the realization that my father was sociopathic. I had always known that something was different about him, but I, like many other children of narcissists, would always try to rationalize his behavior and lack of emotions.
First, a little background information: My father had come to live with my family after he realized he could no longer drive due to an accident he caused and he had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. One uneventful day, he was sitting in the family room scratching off his lottery tickets (his obsession) while I sat a few feet away at the computer catching up on the daily news. I came across a particularly disturbing story about a mother who was being charged with child abuse and murder for the death of one of her children. This story detailed some of the most heinous acts of violence against anyone, let alone a child, that I had ever heard. The fact that all of her children were under the age of six and had suffered her abuse brought tears to my eyes.
Just as I was finishing the article, my husband came through the door from work. He must have noticed the look on my face because he said right away, “What is it?” I then began to recount the story in all of it’s horrific detail, including the tender ages of these poor babies, when all of a sudden, my father, not stopping what he was doing, said. “Maybe they were being bad!”
My husband and I looked at each other in total shock, not quite believing what we had just heard. I said, “What did you just say?” and he repeated exactly what I thought we heard. I then said, “What could any child possibly do to deserve such treatment by anyone, especially their own mother?” All he said was “Well?” and continued on scratching those damn tickets.
That answer, by the way, was exactly what he would say my entire life whenever he was confronted about anything, I could and probably will write a post just about that someday. Anyway, that comment revealed to me his true nature in a way that nothing else had ever done before. I was crushed. I knew that psychopaths had no empathy for anyone except themselves, but my dad was no Ted Bundy. How could any normal, feeling person think the same way? I realized then that he was in fact, just like Ted Bundy in his thinking, he just didn’t carry out violent acts against others.
This incident compelled me to research sociopathy, psychopathology, etc. and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all part of the same type of disorder; having a total lack of empathy for life and the level of dysfunction a person exhibits determines where they fall on this spectrum. This is just my opinion, of course, I’m no expert in psychology by any means, but I think it’s a valid one given that I’ve been raised by someone who was extremely disordered. I’m sure anyone else in the same position can relate, at least, to what I’m saying.
First, a little background information: My father had come to live with my family after he realized he could no longer drive due to an accident he caused and he had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. One uneventful day, he was sitting in the family room scratching off his lottery tickets (his obsession) while I sat a few feet away at the computer catching up on the daily news. I came across a particularly disturbing story about a mother who was being charged with child abuse and murder for the death of one of her children. This story detailed some of the most heinous acts of violence against anyone, let alone a child, that I had ever heard. The fact that all of her children were under the age of six and had suffered her abuse brought tears to my eyes.
Just as I was finishing the article, my husband came through the door from work. He must have noticed the look on my face because he said right away, “What is it?” I then began to recount the story in all of it’s horrific detail, including the tender ages of these poor babies, when all of a sudden, my father, not stopping what he was doing, said. “Maybe they were being bad!”
My husband and I looked at each other in total shock, not quite believing what we had just heard. I said, “What did you just say?” and he repeated exactly what I thought we heard. I then said, “What could any child possibly do to deserve such treatment by anyone, especially their own mother?” All he said was “Well?” and continued on scratching those damn tickets.
That answer, by the way, was exactly what he would say my entire life whenever he was confronted about anything, I could and probably will write a post just about that someday. Anyway, that comment revealed to me his true nature in a way that nothing else had ever done before. I was crushed. I knew that psychopaths had no empathy for anyone except themselves, but my dad was no Ted Bundy. How could any normal, feeling person think the same way? I realized then that he was in fact, just like Ted Bundy in his thinking, he just didn’t carry out violent acts against others.
This incident compelled me to research sociopathy, psychopathology, etc. and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all part of the same type of disorder; having a total lack of empathy for life and the level of dysfunction a person exhibits determines where they fall on this spectrum. This is just my opinion, of course, I’m no expert in psychology by any means, but I think it’s a valid one given that I’ve been raised by someone who was extremely disordered. I’m sure anyone else in the same position can relate, at least, to what I’m saying.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
My Favorite Resource- "Narcissists Suck"
"Narcissists Suck" has been for me one of the best resources on the web for understanding NPD. I highly recommend it to anyone seeking answers to their dilemna of having a person with NPD in their lives. Although "Anna", the brilliant writer of the blog doesn't post often anymore, the content that is found there is a goldmine of pertinent information just waiting to be discovered. Her insight is profound and her ability to convey her thoughts in writing is, in my opinion, unmatched.
If you haven't discovered her blog yet, here is the link- http://www.narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/ . I would suggest starting from the first posts and moving on from there if you have the time. If not, you can choose particular subjects to navigate through. I've been a follower since the first day I discovered what malignant narcissism meant and her writings have helped me immensely. I only wish I were so eloquent!
If you haven't discovered her blog yet, here is the link- http://www.narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/ . I would suggest starting from the first posts and moving on from there if you have the time. If not, you can choose particular subjects to navigate through. I've been a follower since the first day I discovered what malignant narcissism meant and her writings have helped me immensely. I only wish I were so eloquent!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
JADE
If you’re new to the land of narcissism, then I must share this acronym with you. I cannot take credit for it but it is brilliant. I came across it on several blogs / forums, so if you know to whom it can be attributed to, please let me know! It stands for justify, argue, defend and explain. These are the things you need to avoid doing when confronted with a narcissist!
Narcissists consider their interactions with others as a game; a game they will likely win if you play along. One of the key elements in their communication technique is to keep others on the defensive. They do this by gleaning information from us and storing it for future use. Even the most seemingly benign information can and will be used against you.
They know just how to present something in a way that makes us feel like we have to justify or explain our position. The conversation will escalate into an argument after they push all the right buttons. If they are really good, you will explode in anger and look like the crazy one. This is called crazy-making and it is most effective when they have an audience.
Arguing with a narcissist is an exercise in futility and should be avoided at all costs. We have every right to keep our thoughts and feelings private. It takes a certain amount of trust to divulge these things to anyone and if they haven’t earned that trust, then they don’t deserve disclosure.
It is crucial not to get too deep with a narcissist. stay in the shallows where it is safer! Don't JADE!
Narcissists consider their interactions with others as a game; a game they will likely win if you play along. One of the key elements in their communication technique is to keep others on the defensive. They do this by gleaning information from us and storing it for future use. Even the most seemingly benign information can and will be used against you.
They know just how to present something in a way that makes us feel like we have to justify or explain our position. The conversation will escalate into an argument after they push all the right buttons. If they are really good, you will explode in anger and look like the crazy one. This is called crazy-making and it is most effective when they have an audience.
Arguing with a narcissist is an exercise in futility and should be avoided at all costs. We have every right to keep our thoughts and feelings private. It takes a certain amount of trust to divulge these things to anyone and if they haven’t earned that trust, then they don’t deserve disclosure.
It is crucial not to get too deep with a narcissist. stay in the shallows where it is safer! Don't JADE!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Stages In Recovery
The first stage is having an epiphany about what exactly you have been dealing with. Narcissism is that label we've been searching for when we take so much bullshit that we finally start saying to ourselves, "maybe it's not me!" We've been conditioned, brainwashed even, to take on their guilt and shame, which we do all too automatically. Then we discover the truth- we are the normal people, we have empathy for others, we don't want to hurt others, we want others to reciprocate out of the same sense of being part of something bigger than ourselves, the human race.
The second stage is profound hurt. It's a hard thing to wrap one's head around that the people we love and gave everything we could to do not reciprocate. It's overwhelming and we try to delude ourselves by rationalizing their behavior even more, or searching in them for some good; any evidence that they cannot be as bad as they appear to be. Yes they seem to have moments of generosity but when you look very closely, you find that everything they do is driven by self serving reasons. Even love for one's own child is conditional, it's not real love.
Then we hit the next stage- anger. It's impossible not to feel a certain amount of ill will towards people who are supposed to be our family, our friends. I mean if you can't trust your own family to love you and have your back, then who can you trust? We are conditioned to be too trusting, too vulnerable. Then when we learn about narcissism we find that that we have entrusted our very selves to people that possess not a shred of decency or integrity. So our world is shattered. We can never go back to thinking everyone we meet has empathy. Narcissists are everywhere and we begin to see them in all their glory, whilst knowing so many people around us don't get it. They're under the narcissist's spell. Then you feel anger towards yourself for being so gullible and naive. We can't communicate what we know to these people because people only believe what they want to believe. We were once them until the day the narcissist's mask slipped and we learned what they are really made of. It's all so frustrating and infuriating at the same time.
The next stage is indifference. Once we have worked through most of the negative feelings we have about them, we simply stop caring. This is when it starts to get much better. We realize how life is short and we take stock of what's really important in our own lives. We appreciate life in a way we never allowed ourselves to do before. We realize how narcissists are wasting their lives playing games with everyone instead of being authentic and we strive to be honest to ourselves and others. We learn to have a healthier balance emotionally by protecting ourselves with boundaries and being assertive when we need to be.
The last stage is forgiveness and pity for the narcissist. By forgiveness I simply mean that we have fully accepted the fact that we cannot change them, only our own behavior, so we are able to release any expectations we may have for them and move on without any ill will toward them. We can honor them and ourselves by leaving them to their own devices and not offering ourselves up for their narcissistic supply. As for pity for the narcissist, it is all that is left once we finally realize what they are missing out on- a life of having deep connections with other human beings, appreciating each other, cherishing the life we have and the world we live in.
The second stage is profound hurt. It's a hard thing to wrap one's head around that the people we love and gave everything we could to do not reciprocate. It's overwhelming and we try to delude ourselves by rationalizing their behavior even more, or searching in them for some good; any evidence that they cannot be as bad as they appear to be. Yes they seem to have moments of generosity but when you look very closely, you find that everything they do is driven by self serving reasons. Even love for one's own child is conditional, it's not real love.
Then we hit the next stage- anger. It's impossible not to feel a certain amount of ill will towards people who are supposed to be our family, our friends. I mean if you can't trust your own family to love you and have your back, then who can you trust? We are conditioned to be too trusting, too vulnerable. Then when we learn about narcissism we find that that we have entrusted our very selves to people that possess not a shred of decency or integrity. So our world is shattered. We can never go back to thinking everyone we meet has empathy. Narcissists are everywhere and we begin to see them in all their glory, whilst knowing so many people around us don't get it. They're under the narcissist's spell. Then you feel anger towards yourself for being so gullible and naive. We can't communicate what we know to these people because people only believe what they want to believe. We were once them until the day the narcissist's mask slipped and we learned what they are really made of. It's all so frustrating and infuriating at the same time.
The next stage is indifference. Once we have worked through most of the negative feelings we have about them, we simply stop caring. This is when it starts to get much better. We realize how life is short and we take stock of what's really important in our own lives. We appreciate life in a way we never allowed ourselves to do before. We realize how narcissists are wasting their lives playing games with everyone instead of being authentic and we strive to be honest to ourselves and others. We learn to have a healthier balance emotionally by protecting ourselves with boundaries and being assertive when we need to be.
The last stage is forgiveness and pity for the narcissist. By forgiveness I simply mean that we have fully accepted the fact that we cannot change them, only our own behavior, so we are able to release any expectations we may have for them and move on without any ill will toward them. We can honor them and ourselves by leaving them to their own devices and not offering ourselves up for their narcissistic supply. As for pity for the narcissist, it is all that is left once we finally realize what they are missing out on- a life of having deep connections with other human beings, appreciating each other, cherishing the life we have and the world we live in.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)